He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
