So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
