I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Ladies don't puke and tell
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Holy shit dude........stairs
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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