I think I won the penis lottery.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
