his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
