my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
sex in a hospital.. check
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
