my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
