does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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