He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
