I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
