So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
