Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
