Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
