I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
