Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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