The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
