just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
