the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
