i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
