I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
