right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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