O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
