The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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