You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
