i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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