dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
