i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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