So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
