i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
