Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
