I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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