well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
