I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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