I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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