I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
