I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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