At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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