Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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