your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh god it's open bar.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
