i think my tv is drunk
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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