I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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