Jerry, you need to find god
I am in a vortex of obligation.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
