theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I won the penis lottery.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
