Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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