Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
