I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
