My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
