The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
