The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
