Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
