dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
