I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Terrible idea I love it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
